The White Peril 白禍

Hello, nice gentlemanly Woofie-boys.

Why are you staring at me with those molten eyes?

I know you missed me while I was out all afternoon, but you'll have to wait before you curl up next to me while I read. Right now I'm trying to eat this hot pastrami sandwich. Yes, with all these puddles of gravy. And the french fries. It is as good as it smells, thanks for asking--aren't you happy for me? Num-num-num....

Now, come off it. You have the better lives by far in this arrangement. No one keeps a bowl in a special place for me and sends half my weight in kibble raining into it twice a day, like manna from heaven. I have to go out and get my own food.

Okay, fine, if you're going to be all technical, I didn't go out and get it--I was feeling lazy and called the diner and had that nice man with the nice calves deliver it. I know you noticed the calves, too, because when he appeared you started shouting, "Woof!" Well, it came out "Arp!" as always, but I know what you meant. So I didn't go out with a stone-tipped spear and hunt for my food and stuff, but I worked for it. And I had to get up and buzz him in and pay for it, which at least earned me the calories in the milkshake.

Must you sharpen your claws on my favorite Diesel jeans? There, that's better.

No, for the last time, I can't share food with you anymore. You know when Mommy took you in the cab to the man in the lab coat with the big, scary needle the other day? Well--

Don't you dare growl at me. If Mommy carefully avoided mentioning the big, scary needle so you wouldn't freak out when she packed you up in the pet carriers, it's not because I told her to! You didn't ask whether there would be needles involved, did you? Thought not. (I mean, really! "We're going to take a very special trip in the cab to see some pretty buildings uptown! Yes, we are! Yes, we are!" You seriously bought that?) So really, can you blame anyone but yourselves for having let your guard down?

Anyway, when you hear what the vet told Mommy, you may think the shot wasn't so bad by comparison: he said you're a porker and need to eat less. Yes, you, Blond Woofie. You don't think Daddy's giving you less food at a time this week because he suddenly decided to economize, do you? You don't want to turn into a dirigiwoofie, do you? The Goodyear Woofie. The Hindenwoofie.

Fine, that was a little uncalled-for. Sorry. Just trying to drive the point home. It's for your own good.

Oh, for Pete's sake, don't give me the teary-eyed routine. Most of us don't get to spend all day every day doing nothing more demanding than snuggling in while someone draws a blanket over our furry, sinewy little bodies and whispers that we're adorable and should just lie still while he gets us breakfast.

I am not a liar! I clearly specified "all day every day." Sheesh. You know, you can keep your eyes and snouts glued to every morsel of pastrami I convey from plate to mouth, but you can't listen to a thing I say. The last time I snu...never mind. It's none of your business. You just sit there thinking your coarse, untoward thoughts. I can't stop you.

There's just no reasoning with you two.

Oh, for the love of...here. A quarter-inch square of pastrami for each of you. And NO MORE. Just the lean part so your Daddy doesn't yell at me too much. Now stop staring!

A few years ago, my buddy gave his wife a pair of chihuahuas as a present. Now that I'm staying with them, they've become my companions.



Don't they look adorable?

Of course--in still photographs. In real life, though, they move.

I call them the Millicujos.

They open their little jaws and bark at the slightest noise, often for close to a half hour before settling down. Usually, it's the elderly elevator in our brownstone that sets them off, but sometimes the stimulus appears to originate somewhere around the kitchen skylight--a creak caused by the wind? the piping of a bird? Usually I can't make it out. No trouble making out their response, though.

The blond with the limpidly innocent gaze is, you shouldn't need to be told, the more implacably hostile of the two when the public isn't around to observe. Not by all that much, though. His darker, younger brother is a willing accomplice.

J. and his wife have nicknamed them "the Woofies." This is a courtesy title, about as connected with reality as "Princess Di." These two wouldn't be able to produce a butch, baritone, thrillingly menacing "woof!" if they sold their souls to Cerberus. Even "yap!" errs somewhat in the direction of resonance, as far as I'm concerned. My conclusion--borne of repeated and lengthy exposure--is that "arp!" is the best transcription of the noise they make (and make and make and make and make).

They've grown accustomed to me now, so they'll sometimes jump up into my lap when I'm trying to type. Mostly, though, they still eye me with deep suspicion. Unless I've just cooked something along the savory/buttery/meaty axis, that is. Then I become their new best friend. Their little eyes liquefy, and (I swear) they pout. For those who've been wondering why they're not hearing more about how adjusting to New York has been, a major reason is that I'm too busy defending my breakfast eggs.

Happy birthday to Atsushi. (I won't specify which particular milestone it is.) We're no longer partners, but he's a true gentleman and has remained a friend and a real rock in time of need. I'm sorry I'm not there for the celebration, but his love of sweets is well known among our friends, so I'm assuming he's happily chomping his way out from under a pile of cake as we speak.

Everyone keeps asking whether the culture shock has set in. The question is delivered with a gleam in the eye and an eagerness in the tone that I can't quite pin down; I hope my friends aren't running about thinking, Won't it be fun when Sean encounters some sassy-rude salesperson and just totally cracks? I make a practice of not cracking, thank you very much. And the adjustments I've had to make so far have mostly been pleasant ones.

I do somewhat miss the Japanese cleanliness fetish. Back offices and kitchens and hospital rooms may be as grimy as they are anywhere else, but rare is the office or shop in Japan that doesn't work overtime to ensure that no customer has to deal with so much as a dust mote. Grittiness on the street in New York is welcome and invigorating; grittiness in the produce section is less so. I also got my hair cut in New York for the first time in a decade today. It wasn't a particularly exclusive place, but it wasn't a dump, either. And yet, there was stray hair everywhere (including stuck inside the lid of the jar from which my cutter guy retrieved a good six cc's of hair goop and plunked it on my crown before I had the chance to protest. New York moves quickly).

On the other hand, the City, with its old brick buildings and stone and concrete detailing, has a much more earthy built environment. It feels like a place built by people for people. Tokyo's steel-and-glass, its tiles, its molded HDP, give it a moon-colony quality that can be a lot of fun; but it can also be draining to navigate through, especially in the rain or snow.

And of course, New York is noisy. We're Americans, and we're boisterous. I grooved to Tokyo's brittle, reined-in, well-behaved hum, but of course the flip side is that people need to explode, forcefully, when they're off the chain. You get used to being surrounded by people so drunk as to be near alcohol poisoning: hanging from straps on the train, roly-poly-ing down the sidewalk, tenderly placed face-down over storm grates by friends (who perch jauntily on a nearby curb and chat) so they don't drown in their own vomit. No one will ever accuse New York of not drinking, but after-work life doesn't feel like a 180-degree change from the business day.

People do start drinking here earlier, though. In Tokyo, it's still kind of a sign that you're not important if you actually get out of the office at 5:00 or not much after. I'm not going to an office at the moment, of course, but everyone I know is, and I don't think I've gone to an after-work gathering that started after 6:00 in the two weeks I've been back.

Speaking of things that go down the hatch: there's no point in my repeating in its entirety my rant about American food portions, but sheesh! You know things are cockeyed when even your flippin' arugula salad is too big to finish. Arugula salad! Who gorges on that?

Last night a friend asked me to go to the symphony at Carnegie Hall, and it turned out to be a charming confluence of things Philadelphia, Tokyo, and New York. It was the Philadelphia Orchestra doing its annual series, and last night's piece was Mahler's Eighth. (The Tokyo tie-in is that the Tokyo Metropolitan Symphony Orchestra is known for its Mahler performances.) Much classical music in Asia is very good, but there's something nice about sitting in a Western audience, which shouts cheers and goes a bit over the edge when genuinely moved by a performance. The Philadelphia Sound had been put to good use.

Earthquakes centered in Tochigi Prefecture a few hours ago: estimated 6.7 M on the modified Richter scale, and a weak 5 on the JMA scale (which measures surface vibrations) in parts of Tochigi and Ibaraki. According to my buddy, they were perceptible in Tokyo. I haven't seen any reports of damage, but a weak 5, while not as bad as things could be, can cause real problems in craggy, cliffy rural areas with a lot of elderly people. There's an English translation of the JMA scale here. A weak 5 isn't strong enough to knock down buildings that are up to code in areas that are prepared for earthquakes, but it's strong enough to be scary and make it difficult to move.